Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I want a musical about memes.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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