Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
