thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
