Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
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Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
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Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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