Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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