Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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