It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
