Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
