I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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