Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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