my phone needs a breathalizer
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
