I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
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