I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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