The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
