Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
