hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
