i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
