Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
