didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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