It's like God shit irony all over that family
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
