Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
