I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
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just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
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Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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