when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
This is my gift to your gina
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
