Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
