so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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