so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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