life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
