I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You made out with two different species that night
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
my liver is dry heaving
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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