Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
