Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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