Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
