hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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