i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
