textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
