I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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