i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
