sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
