a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
