Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
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He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
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An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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