Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
