I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
