Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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