have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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