she woke up with a sticky ear
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
