apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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