Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
