her vagine was all disorganized.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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