Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
