i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
All I want is dick and wine.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
