Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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