He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
