handjob tips. give me some.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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