seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
