why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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