I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
