A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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