so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
