You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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